Deeper Meaning

I is interesting to me, how much TIME matters. Without the time to contemplate... I can't really be present. I can't really use my full faculties. Even as a stay-at-home kids are in school mom, I kept myself busy all the time. Doing what... I wondered later. fortunately it wasn't years later. I am not a workaholic by nature and so I caught myself, cut out the wasted time and focused on what matters. Still those months haunt me becuase there is some bizarre pull to fill all moments of silence.
I just went on an errand and noticed a view that I couldn't pass up. Its Sunday so I had nothing pressing to return home to and thought, well, I'll go enjoy that for a moment. Its a luxury for me to do what I want without negotiation. Even then, I couldn't stop "doing", I looked for a minute and kept checking to see if I was in someone's way, and then I'd pick up my book I was reviewing for next years science studies and I realized I felt hurried as I pulled away. I needn't have... I was entirely in control of my open hours and yet there were tasks pushing down on me.
I am just now in my late thirties learning to follow my interests without the brutal interior critic stopping me before I start. So I am engaging in lots more activities and exploring more things "to do". I'd better take some time, some silent time to just be. Without that I risk becoming one of those families that has no time for each other because they are so busy.
When you are so busy its hard to think about what matters, about the deeper meaning of our days, our lives. You just keep plugging along waiting for the next "break" which is then filled with other activities.
So for me, time is not a luxury... its a necessity if I want to do this job well; my job as parent and as home educating parent. Adn as wife and friend and pt worker and entrepreneur... stop me! Time to think now.
C-ya soon.